I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
