I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i will never coherently bang her
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
