We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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