just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
