Got a toothbrush?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
