i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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