I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have aggressive nipples.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
