JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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