woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
pop tarts are not kleenex
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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