apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
