ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
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There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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