I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
