everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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