I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
