apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
