I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
