smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
