There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
