You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
