pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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