I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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