I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
