sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
