omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
