goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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