I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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