My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
