i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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