also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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