He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
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Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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