She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
