saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
