I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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