Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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