farters have to be the big spoon...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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