i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
