grandma shit on top of the toilet
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
