Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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