I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
