We named our party play list daddy issues
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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