Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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