He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
