The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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