The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
People in love make me want to vomit
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
