So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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