saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
