Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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