franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
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Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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