hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
