i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it was like eating out sand paper
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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