btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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