I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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