We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
