I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
