I wish I could punch you in the face.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
