Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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