Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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