a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Farmville is her only friend.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
